I have discovered a universal law; one that we are not aware of until it directly impacts us. Becoming aware of this universal law is making me more attuned to the the pain of others after they have experienced the death of a loved one.
It’s been a little over six months since Mom died, yet there are days where the sadness is very deep and where the tears, if they are not visible, are hiding just below the surface.
And life goes on. For me. For Gary. For Bruce and Brian.
And it goes on for the rest of the world.
Yet, my world was shaken to the rafters when Mom died. My grief is unique. I have no way of knowing the texture of the grief of others, yet I know mine and it is unlike anything I ever anticipated.
Almost seven months later and it still feels overwhelming at times. Yes, there are more moments when I am able to smile and actually feel like I am moving through this, yet it is still there. I have learned to honor the grief and make it my friend.
As the physical death of Mom approached there was a mixture of fear, sadness, courage and strength. For me, my ability to be with her, and also to be PRESENT with her as she ended this journey and began the next.
I stumbled across something that I had written over one year ago. From January 2012:
I have come to realize recently that JOY is not synonymous with happiness. Joy is about being authentic; a word that I find used too often, but the only one that really describes how I want to approach 2012.
Tonight’s dinner with Mom made me sad. I wanted to cry. I looked at an old woman who is lost. She is drifting into a new reality. Commercials during Packer games are “changing the channel”; “did the waitress take our order yet” is asked repeatedly and a sadness comes across her face unlike any I have ever seen before when she realizes that she has forgotten.
I want her to be happy again and to look forward to lunch at the Avenue Bar with the “girls”. I want her to look forward to talking to Betty on the phone and I miss the calls she would make to Bruce whenever the Packers scored.
I miss the newspaper clippings and seeing her crossword puzzle books filling up. They remain empty today and the papers are unread, yet I keep the subscription current. So many things are being stripped away from her that I can’t bring myself to stopping the newspaper.
I realize that there is a reason Mom is still alive. It is a time for me to mourn. It is a time for me to grieve the loss that is yet to occur, although in many ways it is already happening. Will tonight be the last time I will see her? Or next week? Or next year? Will she see 2013? Was last night the last time I will call her to wish her a Happy New Year?
The answer is no. She will be here next year…she will be here ten years from now. I can still call her next year. It may just be a different way of communicating with her.
I need to let the tears flow freely and remember that the world that is very frightening right now is still a magical and mystical place.
I need to embrace me. It’s ok to be a child who is fearing the loss of his Mother. Embracing the loss that I am experiencing will allow me to bear witness to the magic of life that is unfolding as Mom is being born into her new reality.
All of which brings me back to the Universal Law that I am now learning in a very personal way. The world shifts with the death of a loved one; particularly your Mother. Grief cannot be categorized or catalogued. It cannot be rushed. And, in the case of another’s grief, it should never be discounted or ignored.
Mom’s death has taught me a lesson I will never forget. I will honor another person’s grief. I am learning that there is no set time that is “appropriate” to ask a friend how they are doing, or invite them to tell me about the the loved one that died.
I have friends that have been great teachers in the past month, modeling what I will do in the future and what I will not do.
I won’t discount or dismiss the grief of others, because I have learned the pain of having my grief ignored or dismissed. I won’t fall prey to the expedient “email condolences” as I have learned once again the power of receiving a heartfelt note or card; a three dimensional expression of sympathy.
I will do the simple things that matter most. Acknowledgement and recognition of grief can be as simple as what was modeled by a friend I saw on Saturday; someone I haven’t seen in years. A hand on my shoulder; looking into my eyes and the simple words “I am so sorry to hear about your Mother’s death. How are your doing?. A simple and sweet interaction that honored my Mom showed concern about me.
A Universal Law never to be forgotten.
I will also always remember the lesson I’ve learned and remember to wish Mom a happy new year every December 31st at Midnight.